It's not that I don't care, because I believe I genuinely do, it's just that sometimes I miss the ability to not care, to not have a worry in the world that didn't have something to do with me directly. This is not easy to say, in fact it is embarrassing and totally undermines everything I've spent the last couple of years trying to build for and around myself.
I want to be a good person, an unselfish person, the kind of guy who goes out of his way for others without even giving it a second thoght, I want to be the American Ghandi, or the male version of Mother Theresa, I want to help those in need, not with just thoughtless handouts, but to help others help themselves. I want to leave the world a better place than the one I came into, I want to make an impact on the people around me in the short time that I am here.
I don't want to be some vigilante or crusader, some kind of cult of personality or figure head, I just want people to look back when I'm gone and dead and say, "That Rick guy, he sure was a good fella', I always liked him, not because he was rich or handsome, though he is very good-looking as far as I am concerned, but I just liked being around him, he made me feel good."
But sometimes goddammit, I just want to sit there and not think, not feel the urge to go outand do a damn thing with my life, sometimes you just want to run around drinking and screaming and tearing the city and people to shreds, sometimes you don't want to think about consequences, or tomorrows, or next years, or centuries even, sometimes you just want now to be the only thing that matters, to imagine it has no affect on the future, or that there won't even be a future.
Unfortunately this is not the world we live in, everything matters, everything is building on the last thing, there are consequences for your actions as well as your inaction, and at times it is completely overwhelming and crippling, you want to do so many things, there are so many oppurtunities that you are paprlyzed and end up doing nothing, end up missing every last goddamn oppurtunity, left standing outside the party staring out into the nothing that you have built for yourself.
The fact is, sometimes you just miss being fifteen, and it's embarassing, but it's the truth.
Oh well onward and upward, it's ten years later and what do you have to show for it.
Well I'm still alive godammit and that's a start.
Good luck to me, and good luck to you, may our days be fruitful and plentiful.
Thank you for your support,
Rick Cork
