I am back from a trip to Wisconsin, a chance to catch up on old things, and drink too much, and not think about all of the things it is that you normally think about, I needed a vacation, a vacation from my problems. Now that I'm back though, all my problems are still here, I still haven't workied in what's going on three weeks, I haven't been able to help pay a goddamn bill since I don't know when, I am finally going back to school but I don't have the money to pay for the books, there are still broken empty promises being made by may Dad, he can still let me down and lead me on and lie to me and have me believe in what he says even halfway across the country.
Where do I start, what is the proper way to get out of a fix like this, who can I turn to when you turn away, I've lost my creative juices, ambition and drive are at an all time low, these are the tough roads, where some people turn to religion, or drugs, or suicide, not me, I just turn mediocre, I curl up and fade into this background version of me, I lose interest in progress or any of that sort of stuff. I know it's not like I'm in the middle of fighting some war, I'm not starving in a third world country, my town is not some disaster area, I have food and a roof over my head, I have people around me whom I care for and who care for me, yet I am still feeling like shit, and rightly so, and I am aware that this is my own mess to clean up, I am aware that I put myself in this bad position many years ago and I am just now reaping what I have sown, but knowing all this does not make it any better, not in an immediate cure all kind of way anyway, but it is one of those small little steps you have to take in order to get where your going, the first step on a long journey to somewhere you've never been to before, somewhere you never imagined you could get to. Fucking baby steps, baby stepping to the future, stop kicking myself when I'm down, or allowing others to do so.
Super Boring Self-Help Time, I know, and I apologize, but no one made you read the damn thing, I'm just spilling my guts for the sake of spilling my guts, and now I feel a little bit better seeing it written down, and how ridiculous it reads, and how good I really do have it, and everything is going to be fine, the sun WILL come out tomorrow, and where there is a will there is a way, and if anyone has it I could use $322.50 to help me pay for my school books, I'll pay you back on or around October 6th when the rest of my grant money comes through, I need it by thursday so don't hesitate to write, every little bit will help out.
Thank you for your support( monetary and otherwise),
Rick Cork
